


playing pretend

by CallofTheCurlew



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, And being a dumb 18 year old, But being grossly destructive, Cheating but not on Phil kind of., Dan cheats on everyone, Dan's Girlfriend, F/M, It's cheating, Just kidding., M/M, Mostly Dan trying to work out his feelings, everything is bad, it's soft though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 05:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14325624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallofTheCurlew/pseuds/CallofTheCurlew
Summary: It was easier when he could pretend it wasn’t cheating.





	playing pretend

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sure about this fic. I had plans to turn it into a multi-chaptered story, then it got too in-depth, I got scared and overwhelmed but I really liked this prologue. So if you want me to continue, I will (let me know in the comments!)

His mouth is dry, but it’s not such a bad feeling. There’s warmth and light, the shades cracked just enough to cast an ethereal glow on the white sheets. Dan inhales, takes a thick breath of the morning air still cold from night. It’s early, he knows. But again, it’s not that bad.

The body beside him shifts and Dan relaxes, sagging against Phil’s slender frame as he turns, one arm snaking around his chest. Phil holds him close and Dan hangs suspended in the silence, the small spoon for once. It feels nice.

“Morning,” Phil whispers, and his voice is thick and rough from sleep. 

His breath is hot over Dan’s bare shoulders and he shivers, letting Phil pull him even closer against his body.

“Hi,” Dan murmurs back and he’s still sleepy, blinking slowly and wondering if the world had begun again outside the window. 

Time is still and it’s only them, trapped in a cocoon of blissful solitude.

A loud siren - one of the many perks of living near the hospital - pulls them from their half-asleep states and Dan can feel Phil’s mouth curve into a grin against his back. He must have felt it too - the miniscule shift that kick-starts their ascension to functioning human beings. Phil rolls onto his back, and Dan lets out a soft whine as the cool air hits him where they’re no longer pressed against each other.

He slowly becomes aware of other sensations as well. The stirrings in his stomach as it grumbles for food, and a deep ache within him that he’d rather not focus on - the very thought sending a flush down his chest.

It’s comfortable here in this unfamiliar bed, in a city over a hundred miles from his hometown, his family, and from  _ her _ .

The realisation dawns slowly. It starts as a niggling, itching sensation at the base of his spine, and at first he tries to ignore it. He clings to his new headspace, desperate to disappear into the solitude, but the new realisation sits heavy in his stomach and refuses to die down. It digs in its claws and tears its way up his body, wraps desperate fingers around his heart and squeezes tight.

That finally gets Dan to move, sitting up in horror as his moment of bliss becomes clouded by shame.

“Dan?” Phil asks softly, concern etched deep in those beautiful eyes. 

Phil has nothing but love for the man in front of him, but Dan can only stare. He feels the bile rush up his throat and clamps his teeth shut to keep himself from vomiting.

“Did I hurt you last night?”

The words shoot through Dan like arrows to the heart and he swallows too hard, almost choking. He can’t speak right now; can barely breathe. 

“Hey,” Phil’s up now too, perched on his knees with his broad hands clutching Dan’s shoulders, trying to snap him from his spiral, “What’s wrong?”

Dan rips away from the gentle contact and notices that he’s shaking. His eyes are too wide and he knows he’s gone pale, but still he can’t form words. He wouldn’t know what to say even if he could.

His stomach turns once more and he’s thankful for the boxers he’s wearing as he stumbles from the bed. He can hear Phil try to follow him into the bathroom but he closes the door, pressing his hot forehead to the cool wood.

“Dan, hey, please come out. We can talk about it.”

Phil thinks it’s about the sex. Guilt brushes past him but he can’t grab hold, too immersed in the current mortification that swirls through his veins.

It’s not about the sex. At least, not in the way Phil thinks. 

The night they shared had been more perfect than Dan could ever imagine. That wasn’t the source of his inner turmoil. 

It’s the way he thinks of  _ her _ in this moment, of her soft brown hair and gentle green eyes. It’s an image he can’t push from his head. 

It was easier when he could pretend it wasn’t cheating. 

When he and Phil traded innocent kisses on the couch, or slept together with only the purpose of sleeping. If Phil had thought that they were anything more than two friends, then that was his fault, Dan reasons Those things blurred the line, but this… this crossed it. 

And Dan was the one who had initiated it. 

He could always blame Phil. He was older and more mature; he should have known not to take advantage of an eighteen-year-old. He should have known that this would end badly. He should have…

_ He should have known that I had a girlfriend back home? _

Dan realises then that the blame is on him, and him alone. He wanted to make two separate worlds out of towns that were only 167 miles apart - Manchester was where he could be with Phil, and Reading was where he could be with Emily. Neither of them were supposed to cross paths.

In his head, sex was supposed to be the thing you couldn’t come back from - the type of cheating that crossed the line - but slowly, he realises that  _ he _ was the one that drew that line. Sex was physical, and cheating was a physical act, he had tried to reason.

The past six months had progressed, little by little, from unrequited love to mutual attraction, to Dan meeting up with his favourite Youtuber, to  _ sleeping  _ with him. And maybe he was in love with Phil from the moment he started watching his videos.

If cheating was merely physical, where did the emotional side fit? 

Dan swallows hard, taking a step back from the door that is starting to warm up beneath his skin. Phil has moved - Dan heard him step away from the door and he thinks he’s in the kitchen now, making breakfast. The thought turns his stomach and he feels sick again, although now he knows that some of it is attributed to the mess he’s gotten himself into. 

A thought circles around behind his eyes, suddenly the only question he can think of. 

_ Phil or Emily?  _


End file.
